I have nothing to say

I sat down to blog and reaized that nothing has happened! Well, that's not quite true. We went for a cookout at Lydgate Park last night with Jackie guys, Tonia guys, and Lindsey and Alisa. It was SO much fun. Got some pictures taken with the girls, had an all kid photo taken on the beach, can't wait to see those.

Trent tried some ahi poke, which he suprisingly liked! I cannot do raw fish. He, evidently likes at least that kind! Ewwww. But good for him. Just makes it that much easier for him. That stuff is at every single cookout ever! I tried Mahi mahi, which I actually liked too! Julia likes fish anyway, so that was a given. But it wasn't bad, even just plain with some soy. I think I would like it much better with some other flavors, like a fruit salsa.

The surf was pretty rough. I have never been to this beach before. But it was nice. The kids got in some big floaty chairs and had a blast! Trent got tossed in the surf a few times, which was funny. he was having such a good time.

Speaking of Trent..... I am realizing HOW much I coddle him. I knew he was a mama's boy. I know I am a bit overbearing. Yeah yeah, spare me. I have 2 kids. I can't have anymore. Kids aren't replaceable and I want to make sure that mine are safe and happy. But in the meantime, I have made Trent a whiney quitter. I am so worried he is going to drown at the beach. Yes, it happens all the time. I know he's never going to learn to swim unless he does it, but I don't want him to get hurt. I"ve really had to take a step back. Sometimes to the point of letting lindsey or alisa watch him and I either bury my head in a book or keep my back to him because I worry so much! Julia is so independent. Even as a baby, she really didn't need me much. She always wanted to dissapear and play on her own in a corner somewhere. at our house in Louisiana, she has a walk-in closet that she turned into a girl cave! Filled it with stuffed animals, blankets, pillows, dolls, and books. If I couldn't find her, she was in there. But Trent, he needs the interaction, the attention, the affection. guess he's more like me and Julia is more like Luke.

At karate, Trent cried and bawled and gave up. Sense was trying to get him to do it right. He wasn't getting it, got indignant, and shut down. He started crying, then bawling. The guy didn't give in to it, which Trent needs. Thank goodness Conrad and Alisa were there to distract me! It was hard listening to him so upset and begging to go home. He needs to learn that if he just follows directions, he will be great. And crying doesn't get you out of doing what you need to do. He wanted to do karate, he's going to do it! Made me feel better that everyone said most all the little kids that do karate there cry at some point!

Pretty much, it comes down to me needing to let go a little. Let him be a boy. Let him grow up. Let him fall a few times. Julia, on the other hand, ROCKED IT! She did so well. She is so mature in some ways. And taking criticism (from someone not related to her ;)) well is something that she is learning. Sense showed her, made her do it again and again, and she did SO well. The adults in the class all commented on how well she was doing and how quickly she was picking it up.

Ok, so much for having nothing to say huh! Maybe someday soon, this blog will get back to being about photography. Maybe that should be on my agenda tomorrow. Grab the camera and go out. It's hard when the sunlight is SO harsh all day. Maybe there will be a few more clouds or maybe I should just shoot some high key stuff... No excuses eh?

So officially

Luke and I are separated. Many of you already know, those who don't know that something has been up. But officially, that's why I am in Kauai. Things have been heading that way for a while now, years I would argue. I really am not sure what is going to happen, I will spare you all the details, cause really they don't matter.

I am seeing a therapist here to try to help me get myself squared away. Over the years, I have become someone I don't like anymore. I have lost my passion and have become a very negative person. And I am done with that! I need to be happy. Not blaming Luke, I am solely responsible for the choices I have made and the path I have taken.

So now that THAT'S done...! I am sitting in Starbucks looking fruitlessly for a job. I have been looking for WEEKS. I am getting very discouraged. Turns out that stay at home moms are not in high demand. And 10 years of verylittle working has done me more harm than I thought. Makes me sad. My kids are better off for it, I know that. Just is hard to swallow. I am smart, I am good at everything I have ever done. EVERYTHING. I have never failed at a job. Just wish I could get someone to believe that and PAY ME!

I really need to get my camera out, I haven't touched it since I've been here. BAD me. BAD BAD ME! Hopefully that will be part of the outcome of therapy. getting some of my creativity back. I miss it. I miss the fire in my gut that makes me stop on the side of the road to shoot something. That makes me RUSH home to grab my camera to capture the light. I need that back in my life. I'm pursuing it.

Also am pursuing a good tan ;) My sister (who is so freaking brown it makes me sick) commented last night on how my tan was coming along. That was nice! It's nice not being pasty. Not that I will ever become a sun worshipper, but it's so good feeling the warmth on my skin as I lay in the sand. And it's nice not sticking out like a tourist fresh off the plane, although I am sure I will for quite some time, if not forever. Haole is as haole does.

Done for now, will try to be better at bloggins, especially since I have so much free time right now ;/ Kids are in a summer program. Lindsey tells me to explore. I just want to explore a paycheck!

So the summer goes

Had a great weekend. Lindsey and Alisa had Friday off for King K. day. Saturday was regatta at Hanalei. You should google it. It's awesome. They have a few there. Lots of people, had a really nice time.

I sat under the tent or layed in the sun on a towel and read a novel, start to finish. Called Good in Bed. Written by the same lady that wrote In Her Shoes. Very good read. About a fat girl that breaks up with her boyfriend, struggles with her weight, ends up pregnant, becomes BFF's with a super famous actress, sells a screen play, falls in love with a doctor who loves her even though she's fat. So this book really spoke to me right now, the whole fat girl thing anyway. Don't plan on getting famous or pregnant ;).

Got a little bit of a sunburn, not too bad considering I didn't wear sunscreen again. I really tried hard to flip every few minutes (when my body started getting hot) and stayed in the shade most of the day. We got there at 9:30 and left at like 6:00! It was a crazy long day. I never ate! I was so into the book. The kids, however, had a blast. Spent most of the day in the water. Trent made a little friend, which was GREAT! But what wasn't great was the sunburn they got on their faces. Trent got a blister on his ear and Julia got blisters on her nose. I feel like SUCH a bad mom. While they got sunscreen reapplied to their bodies, I forgot about their faces. I HATE when they get hurt. I always take it as a failure on my part as a mom, like I am an unfit mom because they got a sunburn. A little unreasonable, I know. But as a mom, (and you reading this are mostly moms) you feel responsible for everything and hate to know your kids are hurting and you could have revented it. So enough about that.....

Julia was over playing in the water alone (since trent was with the boys and Jackie and the girls left early) so she crawled into a beach chair, put a towel over her completely except her face, and fell asleep. For LIKE AN HOUR! I finally woke her up and made her come into the shade and drink some water. She then went back to sleep for another good half hour. Trent, on the other hand, only came back for food or when required. He took his rash guard off, then went back on the boogie board for like 2 hours. That was a bad idea. He came back for more sunscreen and had a HUGE rash all over his bely. Lindsey sprayed him down with sunscreen and he SCREAMED and cried. Poor guy. On one hand, I was like "well, if you had left your rash guard on while you used the boogie board..." but I really felt bad for him cause I know that hurt!

Ok, enough of the play by play! We had a good time. It was a nice break from reality. Cause reality was rough that night, just sayin. Things have to get worse before they get better right? Feeling really really confused after a period of extreme clarity. I felt so sure for a day or two, now I am back to confused. Stupid emotions. Whoever invented them was obviously not a debater. It would be much better if my rational mind was allowed free reign.

Feeling a little out of sorts

You ever have one of those days where it feels like someone put a blindfold on you, spun you around in circles until you puked, then gave you a stick and left? Yeah, I kinda feel like that. I havent had anything that even looks like a lead on a job. I am going to go see a councelor on friday, hopefully that will help. I have not been myself for a long time and hopefully talking to someone will help me get back to happy.

I sat and had a good cry with Lindsey last night, thanks sis. Sometimes you just can't hold it in anymore. Or you don't even realize you are holding it in. You just open your mouth and everything comes out. Things you didn't even know you were feeling. It's kinda scary. Cause once you say it, you're like DAMN. where did that come from?

My best friend in the whole wide world has been noticably absent, he is going through some stuff right now too and is focusing on that. It's hard to feel like you are drifting farther away from the people who matter most to you. I've been really bad lately about just shutting people off. So for those of you I've done that to, I'm sorry. Kinda hard to have friends when you don't really want to talk to anyone cause you don't know what to say.

So I am trying to not be a debbie downer. I am trying to not burden everyone else with my problems. I know, that's what friends are for. But there is only so much negative your friends can handle before they don't want to be around you anymore. So I am trying to reserve my bitching! Right now I am just trying to enjoy time with my sister and my kids. Hopefully the weather will be nicer this weekend. While it's not cold or consistently raining, it is super windy.

I need to get my camera out and start using it. Just really feel incredibly uninspired. Maybe soon. I'll try to be better about posting, although most people visit this blog for scrappy purposes. I didn't bring any scrapbooking stuff with me at all this summer. Yep, DEPRESSING. but I was packing a ton of bags anyway and really didn't feel up to scrapping, so why go through the hassle of bringing stuff with me, just to have it sit and take up space where there really isn't any.

Hasta for now.

No Pictures...

Just an update. My friend that usually emails me and says "hey hun, you're slacking off on the blog. You need to post SOMETHING." hasn't emailed me in a while.

The kids and I are in Kauai staying with my sister. Yes, I have been intentionally vague and will remain that way until such a time when I feel like I need to say something. So for now, we are here. We got here last wednesday, coming up on one week. It's been fabulous the whole time. Avoiding major sunburns so far, only tiny ones where sunscreen application has been funky.

Got to go out on Lindsey and Alisa's 2 man OC for the first time. Just went out a little ways in the bay, it was fun. A little scarey. You always feel like you are going to flip over. I have retarded shoulders, so paddling for me can be rough. But I had a good time, sucked a little bit of air.

So just looking for a job. No luck so far. Never have had such a hard time finding gainful employment. Usually, I get the job I want. So this is a bit different for me. In a week, I have had no real prospects. Thought I may have a job at a bakery, but don't think that is going to work out. Guess the people applying for a job just outnumber those of us looking. Maybe I just need to give it more than a week...

Well, I guess that's it for now. Coming up on my Dirty Thirty at the end of the month. Feel a little torn about that. Not going to be with MY friends to celebrate, which sucks. I want to do something FUN. Kick off my thirties with a bang. But I have family, so we'll see what we end up doing.