Tuesday, June 15, 2010

So officially

Luke and I are separated. Many of you already know, those who don't know that something has been up. But officially, that's why I am in Kauai. Things have been heading that way for a while now, years I would argue. I really am not sure what is going to happen, I will spare you all the details, cause really they don't matter.

I am seeing a therapist here to try to help me get myself squared away. Over the years, I have become someone I don't like anymore. I have lost my passion and have become a very negative person. And I am done with that! I need to be happy. Not blaming Luke, I am solely responsible for the choices I have made and the path I have taken.

So now that THAT'S done...! I am sitting in Starbucks looking fruitlessly for a job. I have been looking for WEEKS. I am getting very discouraged. Turns out that stay at home moms are not in high demand. And 10 years of verylittle working has done me more harm than I thought. Makes me sad. My kids are better off for it, I know that. Just is hard to swallow. I am smart, I am good at everything I have ever done. EVERYTHING. I have never failed at a job. Just wish I could get someone to believe that and PAY ME!

I really need to get my camera out, I haven't touched it since I've been here. BAD me. BAD BAD ME! Hopefully that will be part of the outcome of therapy. getting some of my creativity back. I miss it. I miss the fire in my gut that makes me stop on the side of the road to shoot something. That makes me RUSH home to grab my camera to capture the light. I need that back in my life. I'm pursuing it.

Also am pursuing a good tan ;) My sister (who is so freaking brown it makes me sick) commented last night on how my tan was coming along. That was nice! It's nice not being pasty. Not that I will ever become a sun worshipper, but it's so good feeling the warmth on my skin as I lay in the sand. And it's nice not sticking out like a tourist fresh off the plane, although I am sure I will for quite some time, if not forever. Haole is as haole does.

Done for now, will try to be better at bloggins, especially since I have so much free time right now ;/ Kids are in a summer program. Lindsey tells me to explore. I just want to explore a paycheck!


  1. hi hunny
    sending you HUGE hugs - it takes alot of guts to come on here and say all of that.... i'll reply to you message in the morning, lots going on here too :O
    love love xx

  2. Well if I already posted this and I'm having a moment forgive me I got interrupted by a child.

    I'm sooo glad to hear that you are taking control of your life. I figured something was in the works actually I've been pretty sure since last summer. You were so happy when you were in Kauai and then...

    So I have an idea for you, don't take it wrong if you've already tried. Have you been to the camera shop? Print yourself a portfolio and start banging on doors. Someone must need a fab photographer like yourself to take pics of the tourists. Be a pest, be patient and get your head screwed on the right way. It won't be fast but it will happen if you want it to.

    You're good Rachael, I mean that!

    bye for now 'Mum'

    PS: wrong island I know but there's a scrapbook store on Maui and they sell uniquely Hawaii paper.
    take good care of your precious babies!!!


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